A Letter to my HIV:

Hey guys,

I have a friend that isn’t really dealing with their HIV very well. And he asked me to help him, so I asked him if he has written a letter to his HIV yet? Okay this may sound funny, stupid and even weird, but it's a good way to deal being HIV positive. Some people (like my friend) have a lot of anger towards the virus or the person that has given them the virus. And this is a good way of letting some of the anger out without hurting yourself or anybody. He asked me if I had ever written a letter myself and I said no. I have never had any feeling towards to person that given me this and after reading this letter you will see why. So here it is my letter to my HIV, It’s a bit raw and honest, but here we go.


Dear HIV,

How’s it going? I wish I knew your name then I would be able to address this letter to you personally. But as I don’t, I can’t, so this will have to do.

It’s coming up to a year that we have known each other, and what a year it has been. There have been more up’s then downs which is really good for me, being I was told that the first year is the hardest to get use to you and having you in my life.

I guess you can say we are a team now. But I have made a promise to myself that I will not give this to anyone so you are just going to be stuck with me I’m sorry to say. I should give you a name, well I think I will call you the hiv, along the lines of the cat and the dog. Like something I don’t really want but I have you for the rest of my life and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it!! J

I really wish I knew the date that we become one. It would make things a lot easier. I really don’t know how long I have had you inside me, and I find that makes me a bit sad. I think it was early morning on the August 28th, 2005 after going out for my birthday with friends, at the end of the day I’m really not sure. It would be nice if I knew the date. I think I feel the way that I do because if it is the date I am thinking about, it was only a stupid mistake. And if I ever saw that guy again, I would have a few words to say.

I haven’t really had to deal with the” why me” side of you yet. And I know that one day I will have too, because it just natural to I think. But I must have done something wrong to piss off someone out there in the universe to have a personal relationship with you!! Or I just got the short straw on this one. No matter which one it is, I don’t mine. I am stronger to deal with you. I feel great. I haven’t missed any of my med’s for the past 6 months.

If I am honest with you, I would like to go back to that night and relive it, just so I know what to feel because when it comes to you I really don’t know how I should be feeling. I don’t know if I should be mad at me and/or that guy? Should I feel upset? Should I be unhappy? I really don’t know, and I wish I did. It makes me very happy when my Aunt said to me that she is proud of me, can’t think what for. But it puts a smile on my face when she tells me. I say let the healing begin.

I really had so much to say too you but now that I am writing it down I can’t really find the words for what I want to say. I am happy, I have a really good life, I have some really amazing friends and family (you know who you are), and the biggest thing is I’m alive and healthy and that is the key thing at the moment. My friends have saved my life, a year ago there was this space between me and everyone in my life, it’s still there don’t get me wrong. But it is nowhere near as big as what it was. And I hope the people that are in my life really know how much they mean to me. I mightn’t say it as often as I should but I am very thankful for them being a part of my life.

I guess there are a lot of things that hurt me about this, but I must say a big thank you to you. Because you have made me so much stronger now then what I was before. And that is one of the best things I have gotten from you. I am more of an adult now because I’m not going to share you with any one that doesn’t know you the way I do!!!

I’m sure I will write you another one of these letters sooner or later. But until then I will say this: - in the 2nd year I am going to take me life back. It shall be fun, I will say that much!! Lol

Love

AGJ

Getting Up Close And Personal

Hi all,

My upcoming blog post is going to a bit up close and personal. Just so you know. It's very personal and I have never done anything like this before.

Wish me Luck!!

AGJ

Childhood: What if!!!! Would you go back and change anything in your life?

I don’t know if it is just me, but the older I get the more I think about my childhood. It really was the best time of my life. I had no responsibility what so ever. I went to school, came home, played with my friends and family, and at one time or another I hated my parents but it never lasted long. I didn’t have to work (and by work I mean really work, like earn money to live!!) well maybe doing something around the house or cleaning my room. When I look back on it, I didn’t have to do much at all.

I found myself today thinking back to when I was a child if there is anything I would change. I’m sure the answer for most of us would be YES!! Don’t get me wrong I had a great childhood. I didn’t have a lot of friends, but the a few I did have I still talk to now thanks to face book and other networking sites on the web. But the thing I don’t get is when you’re back in school there are a few people that would never talk to you, and now a days it like they’re your best friend. It’s like fuck, you didn’t speak to me when I was at school so why are you doing it now!!!

And another thing is only about 6 members of my family know that I am HIV positive too - my Mother, Father, Auntie Carmen, Auntie Hooky, Fiona and Sam. Well it will be the talk of the family now because I have attached my blog to my face book, nothing like causing a bit of shit!! And I have a few friends that I told as well, Peter, and Estea. I guess I would have told more but it’s something you can’t say in an email, can you. I don’t think I would have known what to say it to be honest with you. I’m open about it, but it just isn’t spoken of if you know what I mean. Maybe they’re ashamed that I am HIV positive. I don’t really care myself. Shit happens. My friends in the UK all know. I’m very open about it with them. It is one of the first things I say if I am getting to know someone. My Auntie is proud of me when it comes to my HIV, don’t really know why.

Anyway I’m getting off track again. Crap. Where was I, childhood that’s right? I have thought of 10 things I would go back and tell myself when I was say I don’t know 13/14 years old. And here they are:

1. You’re going to be offered a job very soon in your life. Don’t take it. There is more to life.
2. Go to University, you will be very thankful that you did.
3. Just come out already everyone knows!!! Really everyone has known since you where 5!
4. Don’t come out to Samantha first. You don’t get the answer you really want.
5. You’re going to meet a guy, he is going to be the one, don’t fuck it up!!!
6. If you get the offer to go to the UK, Take it!!! Before you come over just do it.
7. Get into Art more. You do like it!!! No matter what anyone has to say about the matter.
8. Don’t ever date a girl!! At all. Ever. Never! I can’t stress this to you!!!
9. I really can’t stress number 8. Don’t ever date any girls. Trust me it will not end nice.!!!
10. Spend more time with your family. It’s fucking big enough.

So that’s it, 10 things I would go back and tell myself if I could. What are yours? Put them in the comments. I didn’t think it would help, but it really does just by writing them down. I guess a part of me also wants to go back and just give myself a good slap around the face, because it would be fun. lol

I’m going to give vblogs a go sooner or later. So watch for them. It will be funny because I just fucking hate talking into a camera because I have to edit it, and I really don’t like the way my voice sounds.

I really wish I had a really good coming out story. My coming out wasn't that flash but I will sure it one day soon. It's okay. Untill I spoke to Samantha about it and she crushed my bubble!!!

Reflection: The last year of my life!

I have been finding myself of late reflecting on the past year. It’s coming up to 12 months from when I was diagnosed as being HIV positive. The last year has been anything but smooth I can say. I was very very sick this time last year. I was in Hospital for 3 weeks, about to move, and in general just felt like shit.

I was lucky my auntie was over from Australia, because that helped me a lot. It was bad news, don’t get me wrong. It didn’t tear my life apart as much as I thought it would. I went on a bit of a down wood turn around August, but that is only because I think that is when I may of become infected years ago (word of warning Late August to early September isn’t a good time for me!!).

I have been thinking about the upcoming date and wondering if I would be at the same place as I am now if things were different? I must admit I owe so much to my friends; Pete, Boo, Nigel, Colin and Ste who have been lifesavers although I don’t really speck to Boo much anymore. But I did let him know that I was very thankfully for the time we spend together, and everyone else I have told. And there is Nana who would come over every night after she finished work to make sure I was okay. I think she use to worry because I was living myself at the time. And a few other friends I use to talk to but I have grown apart or they have gone back home, or many other different reasons.

I truly do think that I wouldn’t be at the place I am now in my life if it wasn’t for my friends and my Aunt. And I do think that it is all I really need. Fuck I still haven’t had “The Phone Call” from my Mother and Father about being HIV+, although being it’s coming up to a year I really don’t think it is going to happen. But I’m not bothered as it just puts thing more clearly in my mine. Or maybe they can’t deal with it. It’s funny, it’s not their battle or problem to deal with its mine. And I’m doing fine with it. The score is: me 5, HIV 2 lol. I’m still ahead and fighting strong.

But this coming year is going to be even better. I have the Crusaid – Walk for life, and a bit of work in the community with different HIV Charities and Local Groups and that will be fun. I gave a helping hand at the Oxford and Cambridge boat race late last month. So that was cool. But you know what the best thing is, I’m alive and I am healthy, that is the main thing and everything else will just fall in to place. J Who knows who I will meet this year, friends come and go but true friends stay a live time.

Earth Hour

Saturday March 28, 2009 was Earth Hour. By all accounts around the world it was a great success. I was one of the 2.2 million people and businesses around the world that turned the lights off from the hours of 20:30 hrs to 21:30 hrs. The idea behind it is a silent protest to create public pressure to influence a meeting in Copenhagen later this year to seek a new climate treaty.

According to the BBC world service over 3400 cities around the world turned off their lights for the hour. Everything from the Opera House in Sydney, the Financial District in Hong Kong, Singapore, and Bangkok, Greece, Pairs, New York, and here in London. In today’s day and age, governments are not doing enough to tackle the problem of climate change, it has been known that we have a problem with our climate and they have not done a damn think about it until now. This problem should of been tackle over 5 years ago or a start should of been made.

I find it most offending that some critics dismissed Earth Hour as a gimmick. I would say to them “Well Just fuck off then.” If 2.2 million people around the world have done this one thing without being asked or told, what’s your problem. “Us” as people have the strong voice when it comes to wanting to get things done by the government, all we need to do is use our voice, and in this case we haven’t yet. I do find it amazing that being this is only the 3rd year that Earth Hour has happened and such a large number of people choose to take part, that send a clear message to everyone that we are worried about this problem and are willing to use every means possible to do something about it.

Being that this is not something that happens very often, I when into London to take a few photo’s of our own National Landmarks in darkness. Below you have a before and after shot of the Houses of Parliament , Big Ben, and The London Eye, in darkness. I have also taken a few photo’s of Big Ben with the light’s coming back on. I hope you like them. It was one of the most amazing things I have seen in such a long time. Number 10 also had it’s light turned off, but due to it being Number 10 the old bill wouldn’t let me take a photo in with the lights off. Assholes!!!

Here is the link for the photos enjoy!!

http://bit.ly/jgh28

Do MSM and Bisexual Men in the United Kingdom listen to warnings about safe sex and HIV infection?

You may think that the answer would be yes to this question. But estimates revealed today by the Health Protection Agency (HPA), for 2008 show that answer is No. Out of the 7,370 new cases reported in 2008, 2,830 are men who have sex with men (MSM) and bisexual men although it is down from last year by 220 cases. I don’t know what is more worrying that 2 in every 5 cases of new infection is from MSM or bisexual community, or that a fifth of cases among MSM and bisexual men were beyond the point at which treatment should have begun, raising the risk of death in the first year. I can’t really comment on this because I was only diagnosed last year, so this includes me. I was in and out of hospital for about 3 months and it wasn’t picked up until I was back in London and I had a new doctor and he wanted to get me tested for everything because he couldn’t understand why I was responding so poorly. To cut a long story short, I when to the West London Centre for Sexual Health and had a full sexual health screen and in about 90 mins I was told I was HIV positive.

This was the first time I had a sexual health screen since living in England, being I wasn’t sexually active during the time I was here, and I thought I didn’t think I really need to have one I had a HIV test before I left Australia and it was negative. This sounds quite bad but at the time I couldn’t remember when the last time I had sex was. Working it out, I now know it was about two and a half before diagnosis, on my 28th Birthday, so that day is a bit fucked each year now. My CD4 count was under 150 and on its way down!! I started Med’s within 6 weeks of finding out my diagnosis.

I can understand the HPA’s concern over the high number of late diagnoses. Being that over 1/3 of people with HIV don’t know that have it, and the longer HIV goes undetected the more it attacks your immune system. I think the biggest stigma about HIV is from within the LGBT Community. It’s not only the fear of being HIV positive but it’s also the fear of finding out their own status. And it’s not only the LGBT that are getting tested now days. It’s just a smart thing do, across the board.

It is very scary to me when I read reports about people aged 16 to 24 years old who are experimenting with their sexuality and are not educated about STD’s and HIV/AIDS. It really is a subject that needs to be discussed in school. I stand by the HPA when they say that education is one of the strongest tools we can use to educate young people in the fight against HIV. Maybe the Education authority in the United Kingdom or the THT need to work with schools and let the students talk to someone that is HIV positive so they have firsthand knowledge about STD’s and how they can affect your life, family, friends and your body. People need to know the safety issues that go along with being positive.

I really don’t think that young people today understand the danger of unprotected sex. Maybe if they understood the stigma and discrimination that goes hand in hand with HIV they would have a better understanding of how society, friends, and family have a unfavourable attitude towards people that are HIV positive.

In my opinion I feel that the best tool that the human race has in the fight against HIV and AIDS is our mouths. The more we talk about the subject the easier it will be to lose the stigma and discrimination that goes along with this disease. And just maybe we, as the human race will become more accepting of the things we don’t understand, and maybe HIV will not be labelled as their disease and we will raise awareness within the youth of today, and we will be able to take the first step in educating the world, raising public awareness, and another big step in the fight against HIV and AIDS.

Cursaid: Walk for life/AIDS Walk: June 7th 2009

Okay guys I’m going to do it again this year. I have enrolled in the Cursaid Walk for life to raise money for people living in Poverty that have HIV/AIDS.

Now I’m not after people to sponsor me. Not yet anyway lol, I’m after people to join the walk. Last year 2100 people completed the walk. It is around London’s best sites and is an amazing day. The walk takes about 2 to 3 hours and you can join a group or walk by yourself. You can dress up or just go in your normal clothes.

But whatever you do I would like you to join me in help raise money for people living with HIV and AIDS around the world. This event is the largest of its kind in Europe. I’m walking with a UK Charity called GMFA: the Gay Men’s Health Charity. You can check our there website http://tinyurl.com/cyydwr or check out http://www.walkforlife.co.uk/

Support a good Charity and cause and let’s make a difference. And if I can raise £250 and more I will do the walk in Drag!! That’s right. I’m going to dress up as a girl. Fuck me I must me drunk. I will also record it and post it on here and on YouTube. So everyone can see just to make sure I do it. http://is.gd/p9dG

OMG Well if it happens it will be funny. I have 2 friends that are doing the walk with me, but the more the better I say. So far wear are going to be sluty nurses if I raise the money. I will kept updated on my blog as I go along. If you want to join us then let me know.

Peace out ppls. Keep safe.